Over the Summer I was walking with a friend of mine from High School. I had been having a hard time sorting out and making sense of my thoughts and feelings about the pending divorce. She reached out and I took her up on her offer. I guess she could see from the quotes I was blasting on facebook that maybe I was struggling a bit. After walking for a few minutes she casually mentioned being an Empath….of course she is! Who else would see (or feel) that someone they haven’t seen in 20 years needed a friend? You guys! Empaths are quite possibly the most unique combination of incredibly strong and extremely fragile and susceptible. I too, am an Empath, and I can personally say that it is all consuming at times to feel emotions of yourself and others. There is an innate sense of duty to others, to help and fix people who need emotional care. As we walked, this friend of mine warned me that Empaths are like catnip to Narcissists. Read that again. Empaths are like catnip to Narcissists.
Here’s where I confide in you that the last few serious relationships I’ve been in have looked like this: Me, the Empath….Them, the Narcissist. I’m not a mental health practitioner, and I don’t have a piece of paper to prove that I can diagnose others. What I do have, is a thirst to learn about myself and others. I love to learn about different kinds of people, and how they work. I can’t seem to get enough. Myers and Briggs personality tests, astrology, enneagrams, counseling, discussions, observations, you name it. I dive in deep to try to better understand myself and those I love.
I’m not here to cast stones at others. Specifically, I’m not trying to trash talk about the most recent men I’ve had a relationships with. I was a willing participant in those relationships at a point in time. I do, however, want to share a little about these relationships in an effort to maybe shed some light for others. I learned from these relationships, a little about them and a lot about myself. That’s what life is ultimately about, right? Learning and growing. Becoming. Being an Empath is a layer of who I am. It’s in my best interest to learn as much as I can about this integral part of me.
First, there is C, my soon to be ex-husband. He’s a unique kind of narcissist. A sort of secret, well-hidden type. He is a law enforcement officer. A helper, maybe a hero even. I’m going to stop right here and say something controversial. I would go out on a limb and say, there are probably more narcissists in law enforcement than in most other professions. There’s just a sense of “better than” that seems to go hand-in-hand with wearing the badge. I personally know some amazing men and women in law enforcement. Not all are narcissists, but it’s an observation I’ve made over the years working as a 911 Dispatcher, and spending time with C’s co-workers. But that’s another blog for another day. C is NOT a bad person, and I think he’s truly good at his job. At home, however, he lacked compassion and understanding. He became encapsulated in his own hobbies and interests, and seemed to lack care or concern for the needs of his immediate family. When I would try to communicate my feelings, he would often turn things around into a “I guess I’m not good enough for you” game, or he’d say completely untrue things about me thinking he “was just a dumb small town guy.” These were never true statements based on how I felt, but it was certainly a good way to distract from the problem at hand. Poor, poor C. C also had a thing for nice, new cars, and nice new hunting equipment. Oh well that Christmas was coming or the kids could enjoy an extra-curricular activity if we spent our money differently….HE deserved it. HE wanted or needed it, and so it was……..or he pouted and became distant and cold. These were NOT traits I saw early on in our relationship. These came out more after we were married, and especially after we had children. When things were really bad in our marriage, C and I went to couples counseling together. I made sure that he chose the counselor, because I knew that if I chose him or her, and they ever sided with me, in C’s eyes, it would only be because I chose them. The counselor met with both of us together several times, and each of us separately a few times. On one occasion, when I was meeting with the counselor alone, he told me that C was a narcissist, and our relationship would likely not change, or get better unless C put in years of extensive therapy. Here’s the kicker…..he would have to WANT to recover and put in serious time and effort. I knew in that exact moment that our marriage was over. C is a text book self-pity narcissist.
Next, there’s B. B is the first person I dated seriously after C and I separated. What a whirlwind. I was open, honest, and genuine with B. I told him I was just getting my feet wet when it came to dating. I told him I wasn’t looking for anything serious right away. Hell, I even told him about real life drama that was happening due to suddenly home schooling my 2nd grader (thank you, Covid), living with my ex, and getting the house ready to sell. In all certain terms, this SHOULD have scared him away. It didn’t. We chatted remotely for a while and finally agreed to meet at a beach for a talk and walk. At the beach he was aloof, a little standoffish, and I felt like I was being interviewed. He asked me several specific questions in rapid fire. I didn’t like the way it made me feel. When he brought up controversial political topics, I told him I didn’t enjoy discussing politics, and debating wasn’t fun for me. He pushed me to answer anyway. As we ended the beach walk and went to part ways we hugged. DAMN that hug. Arms wrapped around me, the slightest scent of deodorant and just……clean, yummy man filled my nose…..and then my brain…..and then my hormones went haywire. I had been a firm “no” in my brain for a second date with B until that hug.
Later, B texted to say he’d had a great time and wanted to meet up again. I was SHOCKED. I hadn’t felt like the date had gone well at all. I didn’t think we had aligned on much…..politics especially, and there hadn’t been much laughing or fun. It had felt sort of forced, guarded and formal….definitely not what I was looking for. I texted him back a basic “thanks, but no thanks….I don’t think we are a good match.” His response caught me off guard. He wanted to discuss it over the phone. UGH. THE PHONE! Like…..actually talk. I reluctantly agreed. Over the phone I told him how I felt, and he explained that he HAD been guarded, and DID probably have some walls up. He asked for another chance. Another date to better show who he really is when he is less nervous. Again…..reluctantly, I agreed.
The next date was different. It was so much better. B seemed more relaxed and was a lot of fun to be around. I even joked with him about the terrible first date, and he handled the teasing well. The next couple of months were filled with fairytale-esque courtship. I remember crying happy tears, and thinking how wonderful it was to finally be heard, appreciated, respected, cared for, loved. You guys, it was CRAZY good. There were doors being opened, goodnight and good morning kisses and cuddles, coffee and breakfast in bed, jigsaw puzzles in front of the fire, and soooooo many massages. I was in heaven. He said things like, “the only thing I’d change about you is your last name” and “hey pretty girl!” He convinced me it was real, and forever. I was LOVE BOMBED. I introduced him to the kids and things got even better. I felt like I was in a movie about the perfect happy ending. The kids loved him and he loved the kids. He was everything I was looking for in a partner. B bought a house I found and showed him, and convinced me to not re-new my apartment lease and to instead move in with him and live as a family. The house and property were a dream come true for the kids and I.
Soon after we moved in EVERYTHING changed. He became cold towards me. He acted disgusted by my emotional reactions to stressful divorce proceedings. He no longer shared his feelings about me, or plans for our future. He stopped being intimate with me. He started spending more and more time alone. He rarely smiled or laughed. This drastic change didn’t have anything to do with me. It’s a classic example, of what I now understand to be a “best partner” narcissist. These types “love bomb” new interests with affection, surprises, and the best treatment imaginable. This happens in the beginning stages to get you hooked to them. And then, when you least expect it, they simply vanish. They get bored, or you become more aware of the sometimes controlling or unfair style….and they bounce.
My relationship with B left me feeling less trusting of others, because I was completely tricked. I fell for an elaborate hoax. It wasn’t true love. It was fraudulent. It left me feeling confused, angry, and taken advantage of. Don’t even get me started on the guilt I feel about introducing my kids to him, and the house, and really the whole lifestyle, only to say “sorry, kids…..it wasn’t a good fit…..time to move again.” That’s an entire blog in itself. (Big deep breath).
Take some time to learn about narcissism. It can save you so much heartache. We all know them. Understanding their manipulating style can really help us see things more clearly so we can protect ourselves from damaging relationships. If you’re an empath, like me, PLEASE take extra care to really think about your relationships…especially new ones. Remember: you are like catnip to narcissists. Love bombing happens, and it’s not based on real feelings. Take care of yourselves out there, folks. This is a wild world we live in.