Months ago, I was texting with a friend of mine about marriage and dating. This friend is older than I am, very happily married, and has been through a lot. He is very different than me when it comes to some values and religion, but when it comes to love, marriage, family….he gives me insight, guidance, and advice when I ask for it. He genuinely wants the best for me, knows me well, and I think of him as a sort of Father figure, I suppose. We joke that I’m terrible at picking partners, and once he was adament that from now on, no second dates with guys until I run them by him first. It feels good to know he’s in my corner. As corny and cliche and it sounds, his best advice was about the future, and front porch sitting. He asked me if I could picture myself growing old and sitting on the front porch together with someone. I couldn’t. He didn’t feel like a good fit for forever life.
A brand new, sweet soul of a friend, explained to me last night that his love broke up with him after realizing that she couldn’t picture the two of them sitting together as an elderly couple on a front porch some day. Something she had seen and heard on a television show about this “front porch” check in had struck a chord with her. My dear friend suffered the consequences of her realization.
What is this? What is going on here? Is this check in valid? Reliable? All I know for certain is, I’m trying to be more aware of messages, pings, or clues the Universe is sending me……and this question has come up at least three times in as few months. Random coincidence? I don’t think so. And for that reason, I’m trying to give it some weight.
That “front porch” check in has stuck with me as I move forward. In essence, do I want a forever with this person? Can I picture life without them? Are we a “growing old together” sort of team? And when does this question first enter into the validity of a long term, serious relationship? This isn’t as easy as it sounds. In the beginning of something new, hormones are in full control. My therapist would argue that this is the case for about the FIRST YEAR of a new relationship. In essence, we might not REALLY know someone until we’ve known them for longer than a year. That being said, we probably shouldn’t measure the relationship’s front porch forever until at least a year has passed. At that point, a YEAR into something serious with someone, it can be really scary to realize it might not be the right fit. So much time together may have created a normalcy, a comfort, and very likely love too. Change is so so hard for some people. I am generally one of those people. Change and fear go pretty much hand in hand for me. If I’m being honest with myself, I know I’ve thought things like, “this may not be perfect, but starting over would be SO hard.” I’ve stayed when I should have gone. Again and again in my adult life, in various relationships….I stayed far too long.
I’m learning to listen to my intuition, and give it the weight it deserves when making decisions….especially about relationships. This is relatively easy for me when it comes to very early stages of a relationship. I trust my intuition will help weed out new people who enter into my life who aren’t good for me. I also know now (at the ripe age of 39) that hormones are feel good tricksters to be aware of. Hormones are exciting, all encompassing and fun! However, the hormones I feel when I’m with someone new are NOT indicators that a person is right for me. I will keep this new realization in the forefront of my mind as I move forward. Those two matters (intuition and hormone blasts), I understand, and believe in. And still I struggle with the happily ever after test. I don’t like losing people, even when I know it’s ultimately best for me. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a relationship with someone I could picture sitting next to, hand in hand, with skin wrinkled from the passage of time, swinging on a bench on the front porch of a house we call home. I suppose this is good insight. It means, I haven’t settled. I haven’t spent my forever with the wrong person. Instead of being sad that I haven’t found my person, I’m choosing to hold space for them in my heart, and remain as hopeful and open as possible. I’ll continue to focus on me and my adorable kids….and I’ll continue thinking about the vision I have of an elderly couple filled with love for each other, sitting on a porch swing.