“As I become more me, I trust that the people who are meant to stay, will stay. And those that are meant to go, will vibrate out”
-Maryam Hasnaa
Christmas is over. So much joy, anticipation, preparation…..and then….it’s suddenly Christmas night. It’s all over. It always feels like a bit of a let down. Not because I didn’t love and enjoy the Holiday Season, and Christmas day. More because it always seems to end so abruptly. This year, I feel less emotional about Christmas ending. I’m becoming conditioned to accept, or at least better process endings.
I’m sitting here in my favorite wicker chair with the warm pellet stove behind me. This chair was the first piece of furniture I ever bought for myself as a twenty-something. I distinctly remember leaving Pier One that day (15 or more years ago) feeling so fucking cool and grown up. Like I had MADE IT. “Look at me guys! I have independence and money to buy something big!”
This Christmas night, as I sit in the same chair, I don’t feel very “cool” at all. Spoiler alert: I don’t have it all figured out. Adulting is hard. My personal 2020 Cliff’s notes would look something like this: August 2019 – Separated from my husband, but continued to all live under the same roof for financial reasons, March 2020 – Covid strikes, restrictions start, school at home for my 7 year old begins, April 2020 – Started dating B, June 2020 – Sold house, July – moved two kids and a kitten into an apartment, Also July 2020 – Mom takes a fall, exasperates her MS and becomes bedridden, August 2020 – The kids and I move into B’s newly purchased home, September 2020 – Apartment lease runs out, move remaining items into B’s house, December 2020 – B breaks up with me.
Yep! I’m still in the process of my divorce, and now I’m dealing with a breakup with a boyfriend, AND I’m about to move with my kids for the third time in less than a year. I’ve been through all the guilt and emotions…and cycled back through them all again many times this year……hell, month….who am I kidding? Week.
The thing is…at this very moment I actually feel hopeful, and maybe even a little excited. Parts of who I was, layers of who I used to be are shedding. People who entered into my life at some point, no longer serve me and are vibing out! This is a GOOD thing. I’m starting a new chapter! I GET TO start a new chapter. What a blessing, and what perfect timing. PEACE OUT 2020 and the old version of me. I can’t wait to see What’s Next.